Ep18: Your Questions: When Someone is Gaslighting You

We all know people who exaggerate, or take liberty with the facts or know how to bluff their way through a topic they know nothing about. There are times when we might even be that person! After all, our memory isn’t perfect, and we do the best we can to remember things as they happened. But there are some people who don’t have that same desire for truth. They create their own truth, and they’re set on convincing you that you’re the one who’s wrong. There’s a term for it: gaslighting. Our question this episode: what do we do when someone is clearly and repeatedly lying to us?

gaslighting how can i say this

In addition to sharing some strategies for handling gaslighting, I also offer you a New Year’s invitation designed to stretch your communication capacity in 2019.

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Resources for Further Learning

Gaslighting article on Wikipedia
Gaslighting: Examples, Effects and How to Confront the Abuse
If Your Partner Keeps Gaslighting You, Here’s What You Can Do
How to survive gaslighting: when manipulation erases your reality
How to deal with gaslighting | Ariel Leve (video)
Ep002: Laurie Helgoe, How to Handle Bullies and Narcissists

Ep17: Your Questions: How to Rein in a Disruptive Colleague

Rein in Disruptive Colleague How Can I Say This

It doesn’t matter what kind of group it is. It could be members of a family, office, church, book group, or knitting circle. All of us have at one point experienced the person who sucks the oxygen out of the room by taking over the conversation and basically holding court. Our question this episode: how can we break the spell of the dominant talker without causing conflict?

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Ep16: Busyness and Negative Framing

busyness busy negative framing how can i say this podcastWe all know that the words we choose to describe situations and experiences tell a story about how we see the world. Are you a partly cloudy or partly sunny type of person? Is the glass half-empty, or half-full? Are you “so busy” or “keeping busy”? The words we use might shift depending on our mood, but most of us have a leaning towards either optimism or pessimism. While I don’t want to say one is better than the other, I’m going to say it anyway: healthy optimism, combined with a dose of healthy pessimism – or one might call that realism – is worth trying to cultivate and sustain. Our questions this episode: what are some ways that we put a negative spin on things, and how does that hold us back?

This episode highlights two language habits – automatic “I’m so busy” responses and negative framing – that can undermine our success.

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Mentioned in this Episode*

Procrastinate on Purpose | Rory Vaden
You Can Heal Your Life (video) | Louise Hay

* Disclosure: Amazon links are affiliate, meaning I get a few pennies – at no cost to you – if you order after clicking through. Those pennies help support the production of this podcast – cool! Thanks 🙂 

Ep15: Charlotte Parsons, Modeling Healthy Conflict for Kids

Many years ago, I was chatting with a work colleague when she brought up that she and her husband were separating. The relationship had several challenges, but guess what was an ah-ha moment for her about the root of their problems? Neither of them knew how to argue. Growing up, they rarely, if ever, saw their parents in conflict, so they thought conflict was to be avoided at all costs. Unfortunately, the cost was their marriage. How can we learn to model healthy conflict for the benefit of our family relationships?

 In this episode, we explore how adults can normalize conflict for one another and their kids. Even if you’re like me and don’t have children, what my guest shares is also applicable to the work place, since there are similar authority/subordinate hierarchies at play, just as there are in the home.

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Charlotte Parsons Healthy Conflict KidsCharlotte Parsons is a mediator, parenting coordinator, parent educator, an empty-nest mom and wife of 29 years in Columbus, OH. Like many mediators, she comes from a variety of backgrounds with previous careers in journalism, healthcare and parent education, with degrees from The University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill.

Mentioned in this Episode *

Association of Conflict Resolution
AFCC (Association of Family and Conciliation Courts)
Bill Eddy’s High Conflict Institute
Second-Hand Shock | Izzo and Miller
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen | Fabre and Mazlish


* Disclosure: Amazon links are affiliate, meaning I get a few pennies if you order after clicking through. Those pennies help support the production of this podcast – cool! Thanks 🙂 

Ep014: Barbara McAfee, Using Your Full Voice

Watch your tone… it’s advice we’ve all received at some point, most likely when we were children and saying, “I don’t want to” to a parent, or “give it back,” to a sibling. As adults we still have to watch our tone, as how we say something is as important as what we say. Tone takes on new meaning, not just the attitude, but the pitch and timbre. How can we be powerful communicators by using our words and our tone? This special episode pulls from a favorite conversation I had in 2016 on The Introvert Entrepreneur Podcast.

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Barbara McAfee Full Voice Barbara McAfee is a voice coach, singer/songwriter, keynote speaker, and author who merges lessons from 12 years in organization development with the transformational power of sound.

Her book, Full Voice: The Art & Practice of Vocal Presence, is based on her 25+ years as a voice coach, supporting people from many professions in learning how to access the full power and expression of the voice in service to their work and relationships. Barbara’s musical keynotes blend practical content, sophisticated humor, and thought-provoking questions on topics including voice, leadership, and engagement. Barbara has produced seven CD’s of mostly original music and is founder of the Morning Star Singers, a volunteer hospice choir in the Twin Cities.  She lives across the street from the Mississippi River in Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA.

Mentioned in this Episode

Hidden Brain: Sounds Like a Winner
Full Voice: The Art and Practice of Vocal Presence | Barbara McAfee

The Peace of Wild Things
By Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Barbara’s Introvert Island Book Selections

A Volume Poetry from Mary Oliver (I chose “New and Selected Poems” for your consideration. ~BB)
The Music of Life | Hazrat Inayat Khan
The Elegant Universe: Superstrings, Hidden Dimensions, and the Quest for the Ultimate Theory | Brian Greene

Ep013: Kwame Christian, Compassionate Curiosity

There are times when we feel stuck in our communications, that no matter what we say or how we plead our case, we make zero headway with the other person. We’re so fixated on what we need and want, we forget to consider the other person and their needs and wants. What are some ways we can turn that around and create a situation where everyone gets what they need?

This is going to be time well-spent, because my guest, Kwame Christian, offers us some awesome insights on how to connect on a meaningful level with someone – even a 2-year old! – and have a persuasive conversation.

Be sure to stick around after the conversation for a few action steps you can take to have more productive interactions with people in your life.

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Kwame Christian Compassionate Curiosity Negotiate AnythingKwame Christian is Director of the American Negotiation Institute, where he puts on workshops designed to make difficult conversations easier. As an attorney and mediator with a bachelors of arts in Psychology, a Master of Public Policy, and a law degree, Kwame brings a unique multidisciplinary approach to the topic of conflict management and negotiation.

He’s the author of Nobody Will Play With Me, and his  TEDx Talk, Finding Confidence in Conflict, was the most popular TED Talk on the topic of conflict of 2017. He also hosts the  top negotiation podcast in the world, Negotiate Anything.

Mentioned in this Episode

Kwame on The Introvert Entrepreneur Podcast:  theintrovertentrepreneur.com/2017/04/12/ep149-kwame-christian-negotiating-success/ and theintrovertentrepreneur.com/2016/10/13/ep132-kwame-christian-negotiation-skills-entrepreneurs/ 
Beth on the Negotiate Anything Podcast: americannegotiationinstitute.com/persuading-while-introverted-with-beth-buelow/ and a new episode coming soon!

Ep012: Your Questions: How to Stop Rambling

Sorry I Slapped You cartoon rambling

When I get nervous, I can talk… and talk and talk and talk. It’s really embarrassing sometimes, and I don’t know how to stop myself once I get going. I’m sure the other person is bored to tears or wishing I’d just shut up already. But I can’t help it. Or can I? Is it possible to gracefully stop our rambling and get the conversation back on track?

In this episode, I respond to a listener question about what to do when you find yourself talking too much, as well as start an exploration of what really gets in our way when we’re having difficulty being in conversation with someone we disagree with.

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Resources Mention in this Episode

Hidden Brain Podcast
Hidden Brain episode with Alan Alda
If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on my Face? | Alan Alda
Kwame Christian, American Negotiation Institute (Ep013 guest)

Ep11: Derek Pratt, Tips for Neighbor Conflicts

It doesn’t matter if they’re down the hall or across the street: being in community with other people can be hard work. We’ve probably all experienced a noisy neighbor or inconsiderate coworker who doesn’t seem to be aware of how their actions affect others. How do we address those problems with the people we live and work with in a way that doesn’t make things worse?

Derek Pratt, founder of 4ward With Progress Inc., shares tips on effectively and tactfully resolving disputes when your neighbor is being less than neighborly.

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Derek Pratt Neighbor Conflict 4ward with purposeDerek Pratt dropped out of high school and has lived on his own since the age of 16. But after earning his GED at 19, he enrolled at Cuyahoga  Community College in his mid-20s and earned an associate degree in IT. He later earned a bachelor’s degree in IT from David N. Myers University and a master’s degree from Strayer University.

After 12 years in IT and human resources, Pratt decided to pursue the battle against homelessness full time. He left his job and began working as an advocate for people living in apartment communities—mainly subsidized housing—and as a mediator focused on landlord-tenant issues. In January, 2018, he launched 4Ward With Purpose Inc., an organization that provides services that help overcome barriers to housing stability.

Mentioned in this Episode

4ward With Purpose Inc.
Find a Mediation Center in your area (other great resources on this site, too! Another way to search for centers is to Google “alternative dispute resolution”)

Ep010: Your Questions: Negative People, Protecting Colleagues

Key to Happiness Negative PeopleThere are times in most relationships when we’re faced with one of two situations: we feel a need to protect ourselves, or we feel a need to protect someone else. Every once in a while, especially when it comes to giving feedback, those two things can happen at the same time! How can we act in a way that establishes boundaries while still being kind?

 In this episode, we take a look at two listener questions: dealing with negative people and sharing difficult feedback with a colleague who’s having personal issues.

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Additional Resources*

How We Talk Can Change the Way We Work | Kegan & Lahey
Working with Difficult People | Hakim & Solomon
Dealing with People You Can’t Stand | Brinkman & Kirschner
Harvard Business Review OnPoint, Fall 2018: The Right Way to Fight at Work


* Amazon links are affiliate links, meaning I earn a few pennies if you purchase after clicking through. The author still receives their full royalty, and I get a little bit to support bringing you awesome content. Win/Win! 

Ep009: Your Questions: Creating Closure from a Distance

heaviness closure relationshipIn an ideal world, relationships that end would do so clearly and with no loose ends. Each person would walk away feeling like they’d tied a nice neat bow on the matter. But we don’t live in an ideal world, and endings can be messy and feel incomplete. What do we do when we are left with lots of loose ends and no one to help us tie them up?

In this episode, we’re going to do a deep dive into a listener question about how to find relationship closure alone when it’s not possible to do it together.

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Bonus Resource

Let’s Just Kiss and Say Goodbye: The Art of Letting Go | TheIntrovertEntrepreneur.com